Going on vacation

We will be on a two-week break from tomorrow, visiting Japan and checking out their cellphones.

Musée du Louvre

by Musée du Louvre

Category: Education
Price: Free

Never been to Paris? Enamored of the Louvre ever since that smoking hot guy slipped you a copy of 'The Da Vinci Code' in the middle of Sunday school? Have a pair of doting parents with more money for an iPhone in your name than time to spend with you? Well then, my young, spoilt, and inevitably uncultured female reader, are you in luck today!

The ancient Musée du Louvre has been hipped to the streets – no doubt by an intern not much older than you who got the job through some slag his dad has known for years but his mom thinks is a colleague's wife – and is now putting its priceless collection in your pocket for absolutely nothing. Think of it as a big encoulez vous to all the tourists who have wandered through its gift store all these years, accumulating millions of dollars worth of souvenir books and photo slide viewers on their way out. It's a feeling you should be accustomed to by now as a paying customer on the iTunes App Store.

But the Louvre app. It's free and promises to evolve, but already the greatest hits of the 1580s are loaded and ready to be faithfully reproduced on your OMGSOPRETTY iPhone screen. I know you can't hear me over the 128kbps MP3 blaring over your white earbuds, but I'll just keep talking. You're sure to enjoy the short, ADD-friendly video clips included, such as the 360º pan around the Venus de Milo, and I'm fairly certain the many depictions of fat naked ladies lying around will remind your internet-addled brain of such memes as Little Fatty and Tubgirl. For the full experience, use it with a full bladder while doing a ten-mile treadmill program in heels. It'll get you in shape for prom, and by the time your parents present you with air tickets to Europe as a graduation gift, you'll be so sick of museums your only remaining option will be to follow U2 around on tour. For the record, not every girl makes it out alive.

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Positives: Now you don't have to be rich to get an art education. You just need a $199 iPhone with a $90/mo voice & data plan.
Unpositives: The Mona Lisa is a fake.
Rating: 5 / 5

Get Musée du Louvre for free in the iTunes App Store.
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